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5 reasons you don’t need an iPhone and what to buy instead.

As many of you in the world know, Apple recently debuted their most recent installment in the iPhone saga, the ‘iPhone 4s.’ Proclaimed to be the best and most exciting yet, it features “sexy Siri,” the bot that answers all your questions with the touch of a button and the easy use of your vocal chords–like a real person without the hassle of trite pleasantries!  I suppose the graphics are better, and even the price is better (for Apple)!  On top of that it comes with all the same features as a planner, a computer, and phone, a Gameboy, an iPod (or any other thing that plays music), a dictionary, an encyclopedia, a friend (albeit a cold one), and annoying child.  With all of these amazing features, who WOULDN’T want one?

The answer?  Me.  However, my husband is trying desperately to convince me that he needs one beyond all reason.However, on a newlywed’s budget, I am trying to convince him (and perhaps the rest of the world) that they are silly and we don’t really  need one.  I am very content with my flip phone, iPod touch (Christmas gift from my parents a few years ago–I just wanted a regular iPod; you know, with the circle thing?), paper-and-pencil planner, and looking things up in books and on the internet MANUALLY.  So, the following are five reasons you DON’T need an iPhone, plus five things you can get instead.

Reason #1: You already have a phone that fulfills its phone-like duties: making and taking phone calls.  It even has voice mail!  And as an added bonus, it can take pictures, AND send texts AND video!  Why do you need something else that does the same thing?

Reason #2: We already spend our hours whiling away our time on the internet with our laptops in wi-fi zones, why do we want to waste MORE of our time on the internet with a phone that can connect ANYWHERE?

Reason #3: Have you seen the price tag?  HAVE YOU SEEN THE PRICE TAG??

Reason #4: It will be obsolete in a while.  As I was looking up the iPhone 4s, I was seeing rumors flyinig around Google about the iPhone 5, which probably promises to be even more… Excessive.

Reason #5: Someday, the novelty WILL wear off, and when it does, you’ll only be left with the taste of regret that you didn’t wait until something better came along, like the following:

FIVE THINGS YOU CAN BUY INSTEAD:

#1: Food.  This is number one because I’m getting tired of wandering around after I come home from class, wishing we had some decent snack food or something to ease that grumbling in my stomach.  You can only eat so much tuna, so many egg salad sandwiches, so many 95-cent pot pies, so many (very) basic chicken recipes, and so much hamburger helper before you feel the need for something more, something… Substantial.

#2: Pants.  I say this because J.D. and I seem to have a shortage of them.  He keeps ripping holes in his (which I will eventually repair–maybe I’ll repair all the holes in his jeans for Christmas, if he wants to spend our money on an iPhone so bad), and I have to do my student teaching next semester, and something tells me that low-rise skinny jeans are not appropriate.  But who doesn’t want more pants?  Nobody wants to go around smelling like butt when they only have one or two pairs of jeans to wear.

#3: A house.  Someday.  That $300 for an iPhone could be saved, and eventually get anyone out of the renting cycle and into a home of their very own.

#4: Friends.  As in, throw a party.  Make some mac n’ cheese and invite everyone over for some hard-core face-to-face interaction (something that would likely not be happening if one were too busy building a relationship with a fake woman named Siri– See video below).

#5: Here, I have three options: For the price of an 8 gig, $200, you could get a fainting goat:http://www.ksl.com/index.php?nid=218&ad=18418782&cat=&lpid=&search=

For the price of the 32 gig, $300, you could get one male purebred Corgie puppy!  OHMYGOSHCUTE!!!!  http://www.ksl.com/index.php?nid=218&ad=18009816&cat=&lpid=&search=

http://www.ksl.com/index.php?nid=218&ad=18011641&cat=&lpid=&search=

And, for the price of the 64 gig, you could get you could get a used couch, loveseat, AND chair!  Because who doesn’t love lounging around on furniture?  Especially when the furniture you currently own smells like butt and consists of one used recliner and an old loveseat.

There you have it.  iPhones were obsolete before they were made: we already have screaming children, friends, planners, the internet, mp3-players, phones, cameras, and books.  We even have plenty of things to touch, thank you very much.

I’m sticking to my flip phone.

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How stuff works — An exceptional picture of the week.

This past week has been a week of learning.  Indeed, it is a fact of life that even the simplest things in life can be uninentionally and “innocently” twisted into something more complicated than deciphering a “how to do origami” book.

How stuff works

 Take finals, for example.  I have spent many-a sleepless night worrying about my vocal “jury” — a terrible name for it, I admit, but they couldn’t very well call it a vocal “puppies and bubbles,”– only to realize that it really wasn’t that hard, I just had to stop thinking so much and get some sleep.

My band teacher gave us this same advice in band, “Just stop thinking,” and in fact, the songs seemed to work out a lot better when we stopped thinking so hard and just played our instruments.  Many problems are apt to occur when too much thinking is applied to simple things when regular old programming could do it much better.  Like with this picture.  It could have been inspired by someone thinking much too deeply about the possible uses for this so-called “hat.”  Waxing philosophical (or paranoid), if you will.

The thought processes may have gone much like this…

“Oh look, a hat!  What a nice hat.  Is it really a hat?  What if it actually turns out to be something entirely different? But it really is quite nice.  I rather like it.  I think I want to put it on my head.  But what if the hat doesn’t like my head?  Does it really WANT to go on my head?  What if it doesn’t fit?  What if it’s too small and hurts my head?  That would make me very sad.  But what if it’s too big and makes me look ridiculous?  That would make me very sad too.  What if someone else wants it?  How do I know I didn’t buy the hat someone else wanted?  I wouldn’t want to do that.  What if the hat just wants to be worn somewhere else?  Or just wants to be entirely decorational and just enjoy being on my hat rack?  Maybe it wants to explore other options?”

And so on and so on.  Of course, it would have been much easier just to put the hat on.  Eventually, many of those questions may have been answered, but many of them may remain unanswered.  Pretty much because hats can’t talk, which is a pity.  We may learn much from the unthinking hat.

Of course, many problems can also occur when our God-given cerebral cortexes are not put to good use.  I’m sure many-a problem has occured because all decisions were left to the less-intelligent back-end of the brain.  Such examples may be the classic “oh crap the stick is blue” after-moment, or the afternoon at the hospital extracting a cocoa puff from your nose, or the infamous last words, “hey guys, watch this!” All moments that one would wish to take back, but of course, no amount of cerebral cortex has those capabilities.  And then you just look silly with a hat on your rear.

It is times like these when we may have wished it was only a hat.

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The Great Equalizer

It gets pretty cold in Utah.  That’s a known fact.  People in Utah (and the rest of the world) are also very different from each other.  That’s also a known fact.  What do these have in common, you ask?

 Well, I have come to realize that EVERYBODY feels cold.  Well.  Not all the time.  But everybody can appriciate cold (or hot) to some degree or another.

Have you ever been asked, on a cold wintry day, when you’re inside and not really all that cold, “how are you?” and automatically replied, “cold” simply because it’s cold outside?  And then they, of course, reply in tandem, “me too!”  Yes?  I’m sure countless others have done it as well.  Men, women, children, black people, white people, Indian people, people who like pistachios, people who wear black, girls with pink hair, guys with blue hair, poor people, rich people, people who live out of a boat… It’s just good to know that we all have that in common, the ability to feel cold and acknowledge that fact.

It just makes the world a little smaller, doesn’t it?

Or not.  Whatever.

But it’s cold down here.

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Another one bites the … CAKE!

Number of my friends from high school who are now engaged or married: four.

 All my age — 18 or 19.  All graduated last year.  None of them has experienced the single life.

I pity them.

Or do I pity me?

“I too will be married someday, simply for the cake and the good excuse to take dancing lessons.”

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Intentions?: The Grand Exit

It is official — Newbert has completely completed his obsession with Manzanity C-6 and has moved on to more… Promising ventures.  Ventures that allow him to “cuddle,” “hang out,” and suck plenty of face.  Indeed, Newbert has proven himself to be one of the most low-slung Jacks in the realms of Manzanita.

But, before he found a girl outside C-6, Newbert decided to have a lapse in memory and reverted back to his original Manzanita C-sixter, Jordan, and I learned what it felt like be her during that fleeting three weeks, was one of few people he communicated with and excluded all else.  It is apparent that Newbert is a very linear person and thus only able to think of one thing at a time.

And now, it is sucking face.  That may sound like a harsh term to use for it, but it’s all I’ve got.  See, as I am yet VL, I have absolutely no right to be dissing the makeout scene, so I, in my cynical nature, do all I can to degrade this teenaged recreational passtime.

And so ends the saga of mis-interpreted intentions and ridiculous outbursts of haikus in favor of some serious teeth-cleanings.

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Intentions?: Oh, What a Blunder

Newbert has officially proven himself to be a greater dating dunderhead than I had previously made MYSELF out to be.  He has committed a courtshipping crime of such huge proportions, not once, but TWICE now.  He has now asked out THREE girls that live IN THE SAME ROOM.  He does not realize how horribly, HORRIBLY wrong things can go for him at any moment in his pursuit of dating equilibrium.  The scales are tipping, but most definitely not in his favor.

Now, as you may recall, Newbert, at first, asked my roommate Jordan out.  I had no idea really who he was, and really didn’t care who he dated.  So, they went on one date and he starting hanging around our apartment a LOT, and eventually ended up asking ME out.  You may recall the confusion that ensued in the room, to which Newbert was completely incognizant.

Well, many things happened.  Well, not much really, but time passed, and thus we reach the point at where I realize that Newbert and I have nothing in common and he realizes that I have nothing in common with his ex-girlfriend, and therefore am not worth the social stress.  Things simmer down and I no longer feel awkward and socially retarded — In fact, I’m at the top of my game.  I now find his attachment to his girlfriend not a slap in the face, but rather an amusing fact that will hopefully, for his sake, dissappear by the time he gets home from his mission. 

Anyway, back to the actual plotline.  He comes over to my place last night, reason unknown.  Jordan is in bed, Jessica is over at B building, Kristen is out with friends, and Melissa is at work.  So, we play a little Bloody Roar 2.  Just like old times.  Except of course he sits a comfortable one and half feet away from me.  And then Jessica arrives. 

The previous night, he had texted Jordan about asking her out, but I never thought it would happen so soon.  He engages in smalltalk flirting with Jessica, and Jessica, being the tough chick she is, seems to find it as amusing as me.  He then “gracefully” (kind of like a tap-dancing emu) segways into asking her out.  Strangely enough, that same odd confusion fell upon all the females in the room, and Jessica replied in a way that was oddly reminiscent of how I had replied to his invitation about a month prior.  Except of course, she was expecting it and she actually has other friends.  But of course, she replies yes, and they plan it for the following Thursday.  While I’m in the room.  By a poll taken of all the guys in my phone book, this is possibly one of the most doltish things to do in the prescence of a girl you had previously dated.  “Dude, tell this guy to go date his mom or something… (John)”

Now, to demonstrate the Newbert’s astounding creativity, they are going out for hot chocolate.  Hm.  That sounds familiar.  Didn’t he and Jordan do that on their date?  And didn’t Newbert and I do that on OUR date?  Oh, Newbert, you slay me.

Dating roommates.  Seinfeld says it can’t be done gracefully.  The girls of Manzanita C-6 are here to prove him right.

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I wanted a Fish, But Decided to Settle

I have recently acquired a new roommate who brought with her a very rare and valuable commodity in the college-life world — A pet fish in an actual fishbowl.  I found this absolutely fascinating and I was feeling much jealousy towards this person who seemed thirty times happier than me because she had a pet fish who needs her and loves her unconditionally.  So I vowed I would also acquire a fish.  I was later advised by Jordan that acquiring a fish would be a terrible idea, in that I would have to take care of the thing, ie, clean it’s bowl, feed it, clothe it, and live every day of my life in fear that I would inadvertently kill it.  Both of us later found out that along with her fish, Mellissa also brought with her an item the likes of which we had not seen since our childhood — A Nano pet.  Well, we were both absolutely fascinated with this seemingly trite trinket, but Jordan volunteered to raise the tiny, fragile, needy, pixelated dog, and so began our renewed journey into the world of virtual pets.

Jordan tended to the dog throughout that day, but grew tired of its frequent cries for attention.  She, still enoying the idea of having a virtual pet, and I, increasingly jealous of her having a pet and I not, decided to go in search of a better, less needy virtual pet.  Thus, we came to rest on the idea of owning Tamagotchis.  Yes, the pixelated blob-like egg-encased Japanese creatures for ages 8 and up.  So, with Newbert in tow (whew, almost used his real name!), looking very ashamed for the both of us, we made an exodus to the local mall (Walmart), and went on the hunt for Tamagotchis.

I had never realized how long it had been since I had been in the toy section until I realized that I couldn’t find the Barbies anymore — They had all been replaced by those hedious things that girls nowadays strive to become; BRATZ DOLLS.  But that’s beside the point.  We scoured the toy section in search of these elusive Tamagotchis until we turned around and found an entire small wall of end-of-shelf space dedicated to these lovable virtual creatures.  Thus, we begane along discussion of how pretty the eggs and casing had become, and how the creatures can now have carreers of their own.  Tamagotchis can now even link to other Tamagotchis via the AIR.  As in, wirelessly.  Through the air.

Anyway, I decided to get a beautiful green Tamagotchi (4.5!) with a lovely peacock feather pattern, while Jordan opted for the colorful geometric-stained-glass patterned casing for hers and we made our way to the front of the store to make our purchase.  Of course, Newbert was still following, but at rather a larger distance as Jordan and I discussed how much TAMAFUN we were going to have.

We arrive home and quickly open the plastic encasings of our new babies (Newbert left as quickly as possible — He wanted nothing to do with this childishness) and brought our new pets to life.  It was truly a miraculous and magical experience.  Suddenly, there was this shape-shifting egg on the screen from which a small white blob would appear and bring joy and love into my life to fill the void which I was looking to fill.

In reading the instructions, we found out that our Tamagotchis could become friends, and have a life-long friendship.  So much so that if they got to be good enough friends, they would have an “egg”, and the next generation of Tamagotchis would emerge.  We only had one problem, though — both of our Tamagotchis were female.  But we then learned that this, in fact, was not a problem.  They just had to be “really good friends.”  So, we had loads of fun having our Tamagotchis (I named mine Chirp and she named hers Hawly) visit eachother and play give eachother gifts.  It really is a bucket of laughs.

So, the Tamagotchis went to sleep sometime around nine and we were free for the night.

Sunday arrived and me and Jordan went to Stake conference, Tamagotchis in tow.  We sat by Newbert, who was simply ashamed for us when we brought out our new pets and began to play and get overly-excited about connecting again and giving eachother gifts and such.  ‘Twas a meeting that I shall never forget, because sometime in the midle of the second speaker, I get a notification from my Tamagotchi that I have been ROBBED of all the points I made playing games and had not spent at the shop yet by a masked and dark-looking Tamagotchi.  I had over 800 points stolen from me!  Right in the middle of church!

Moral of the story — you could never get robbed and recieve gifts and play tug of war in church with a real fish.

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