Archive for Dating

How stuff works — An exceptional picture of the week.

This past week has been a week of learning.  Indeed, it is a fact of life that even the simplest things in life can be uninentionally and “innocently” twisted into something more complicated than deciphering a “how to do origami” book.

How stuff works

 Take finals, for example.  I have spent many-a sleepless night worrying about my vocal “jury” — a terrible name for it, I admit, but they couldn’t very well call it a vocal “puppies and bubbles,”– only to realize that it really wasn’t that hard, I just had to stop thinking so much and get some sleep.

My band teacher gave us this same advice in band, “Just stop thinking,” and in fact, the songs seemed to work out a lot better when we stopped thinking so hard and just played our instruments.  Many problems are apt to occur when too much thinking is applied to simple things when regular old programming could do it much better.  Like with this picture.  It could have been inspired by someone thinking much too deeply about the possible uses for this so-called “hat.”  Waxing philosophical (or paranoid), if you will.

The thought processes may have gone much like this…

“Oh look, a hat!  What a nice hat.  Is it really a hat?  What if it actually turns out to be something entirely different? But it really is quite nice.  I rather like it.  I think I want to put it on my head.  But what if the hat doesn’t like my head?  Does it really WANT to go on my head?  What if it doesn’t fit?  What if it’s too small and hurts my head?  That would make me very sad.  But what if it’s too big and makes me look ridiculous?  That would make me very sad too.  What if someone else wants it?  How do I know I didn’t buy the hat someone else wanted?  I wouldn’t want to do that.  What if the hat just wants to be worn somewhere else?  Or just wants to be entirely decorational and just enjoy being on my hat rack?  Maybe it wants to explore other options?”

And so on and so on.  Of course, it would have been much easier just to put the hat on.  Eventually, many of those questions may have been answered, but many of them may remain unanswered.  Pretty much because hats can’t talk, which is a pity.  We may learn much from the unthinking hat.

Of course, many problems can also occur when our God-given cerebral cortexes are not put to good use.  I’m sure many-a problem has occured because all decisions were left to the less-intelligent back-end of the brain.  Such examples may be the classic “oh crap the stick is blue” after-moment, or the afternoon at the hospital extracting a cocoa puff from your nose, or the infamous last words, “hey guys, watch this!” All moments that one would wish to take back, but of course, no amount of cerebral cortex has those capabilities.  And then you just look silly with a hat on your rear.

It is times like these when we may have wished it was only a hat.

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Valentine’s Day Speshul … ART

In honor of Valentine’s Day this week and everything that is love-related, Jordan and I have created this work of art/monstrosity to more fully celebrate/commiserate this wonderful/horrible holiday. But, as this picture can be greatly misunderstood and often very confusing (as most great works of art are), I feel it needs some explaining, so, I have numbered key points of the picture and will describe them in depth.

Valentine’s Day Speshul

1 – The beginning of this monstrosity.  Jordan took it upon herself to draw a woman’s (it actually looks more like a young, pre-teen girl, which makes it even more disturbing) head on a rather fit man’s body, although, a very short, buff man.  It is wearing a mesh shirt in order to show off the large amount of chest hair this creature has accumulated.  Drawn by Jordan

2—In tandem, I created this next creature from my nightmares, a man’s head on a rather model-like woman’s body.  The head could be that of an army general, complete with a five-o’clock shadow from a long night of intensive training, a very short buzz cut, and eyebrows that more resemble the end of a cow’s tail.  The body,  in contrast, is that of a very slim, very posed woman.  It is clothed in the ugliest of swimsuits that many of you may have seen on TV.  Both Jordan and I agree that we will never understand how anybody could think it is a flattering look for any body type, but, to each their own, I guess.  The boots are, of course, very tall, and made of plastic.  I once saw boots like these in a shoe store – ridiculously tall and made of plastic/rubber.  I tried them on, but I was wearing jeans, so I was unable to put them on to their fullest height.  Drawn by me.

3 – In order for the girl-head-man-body thing to retain at least some portion of its dignity in relation to its counterpart, it is standing on a crate thing to get closer to matching the height of the model-man thing.  Drawn by Jordan.

4 – Small dog peeing.  Rather self-explanatory.  I was thinking about the many funny animal videos that Jordan, Lyndsey, and I had been watching the previous day.  Drawn by me.

5 – There is a video going around of this cat whose meows sound like it’s saying “old man Johnson” and a few other strange things.  This portion was inspired by that.  Drawn by Jordan.

6 – The moon in the shape of a heart surrounded by flowers.  Pretty easy to fathom, right?  Drawn by Jordan.

7 – Jordan is currently painting this picture of a man kissing a horse.  She cut both pictures out of separate magazines.  The man was originally kissing his wife, but she didn’t feel that was good enough.  This is the man and his horse away on their honeymoon on the beach.  What a happy couple… Drawn by Jordan.

8 – Big BIRD pondering about a BEE.  You figure it out. 😉  Drawn by me.

9 – Birds flying off into the sunset.  They just so happen to make a smiley face.  How quaint.  Drawn by Jordan

10 – A cheeseburger floating on the horizon.  VERY romantic.  Drawn by Jordan.

11 – The shoreline.  They’re on a beach. That’s the surf.  ‘Nuff said.

12 – A tribute to Star Wars, some people’s version of love.  At least, the ones who live in their mom’s basement, play World of Warcraft all day and have Star Wars/Trek parties.  Inside the saucer is that big blob guy from Star Wars being slain by an onboard Jedi.  Drawn by me.

13 – Here is an arachnid’s version of love.  Here, you see a black widow eating her lover after all the steps have been completed for reproduction and expanding the colony.  There under her living-space is her laptop – The two met on the web.  Ha ha!  Pun.  Drawn by me.

14 – Neil Armstrong on the moon looking buff.  “History Buff” is the title of this portion.  Ha ha.  Drawn by me.

15 – Spiderpig.  This really has no relevance to the theme, but Jordan felt like drawing it.  Drawn by Jordan.

16 – The Dolphins of Earth ascending into space from the ocean before Earth is destroyed by the Vogons to create an interplanetary bypass.  Their last message to the people of Earth is, “So long and thanks for all the fish.”  It’s an allusion to “Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy” for those of you who have no idea what I’m talking about.  Drawn by Jordan.

17 – And, last but not least, my and Jordan’s signatures.  Someday, this masterpiece will be worth millions.

(To see the full-size image w/out numbers, go to my flickr page

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Another one bites the … CAKE!

Number of my friends from high school who are now engaged or married: four.

 All my age — 18 or 19.  All graduated last year.  None of them has experienced the single life.

I pity them.

Or do I pity me?

“I too will be married someday, simply for the cake and the good excuse to take dancing lessons.”

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Intentions?: The Grand Exit

It is official — Newbert has completely completed his obsession with Manzanity C-6 and has moved on to more… Promising ventures.  Ventures that allow him to “cuddle,” “hang out,” and suck plenty of face.  Indeed, Newbert has proven himself to be one of the most low-slung Jacks in the realms of Manzanita.

But, before he found a girl outside C-6, Newbert decided to have a lapse in memory and reverted back to his original Manzanita C-sixter, Jordan, and I learned what it felt like be her during that fleeting three weeks, was one of few people he communicated with and excluded all else.  It is apparent that Newbert is a very linear person and thus only able to think of one thing at a time.

And now, it is sucking face.  That may sound like a harsh term to use for it, but it’s all I’ve got.  See, as I am yet VL, I have absolutely no right to be dissing the makeout scene, so I, in my cynical nature, do all I can to degrade this teenaged recreational passtime.

And so ends the saga of mis-interpreted intentions and ridiculous outbursts of haikus in favor of some serious teeth-cleanings.

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Intentions?: Oh, What a Blunder

Newbert has officially proven himself to be a greater dating dunderhead than I had previously made MYSELF out to be.  He has committed a courtshipping crime of such huge proportions, not once, but TWICE now.  He has now asked out THREE girls that live IN THE SAME ROOM.  He does not realize how horribly, HORRIBLY wrong things can go for him at any moment in his pursuit of dating equilibrium.  The scales are tipping, but most definitely not in his favor.

Now, as you may recall, Newbert, at first, asked my roommate Jordan out.  I had no idea really who he was, and really didn’t care who he dated.  So, they went on one date and he starting hanging around our apartment a LOT, and eventually ended up asking ME out.  You may recall the confusion that ensued in the room, to which Newbert was completely incognizant.

Well, many things happened.  Well, not much really, but time passed, and thus we reach the point at where I realize that Newbert and I have nothing in common and he realizes that I have nothing in common with his ex-girlfriend, and therefore am not worth the social stress.  Things simmer down and I no longer feel awkward and socially retarded — In fact, I’m at the top of my game.  I now find his attachment to his girlfriend not a slap in the face, but rather an amusing fact that will hopefully, for his sake, dissappear by the time he gets home from his mission. 

Anyway, back to the actual plotline.  He comes over to my place last night, reason unknown.  Jordan is in bed, Jessica is over at B building, Kristen is out with friends, and Melissa is at work.  So, we play a little Bloody Roar 2.  Just like old times.  Except of course he sits a comfortable one and half feet away from me.  And then Jessica arrives. 

The previous night, he had texted Jordan about asking her out, but I never thought it would happen so soon.  He engages in smalltalk flirting with Jessica, and Jessica, being the tough chick she is, seems to find it as amusing as me.  He then “gracefully” (kind of like a tap-dancing emu) segways into asking her out.  Strangely enough, that same odd confusion fell upon all the females in the room, and Jessica replied in a way that was oddly reminiscent of how I had replied to his invitation about a month prior.  Except of course, she was expecting it and she actually has other friends.  But of course, she replies yes, and they plan it for the following Thursday.  While I’m in the room.  By a poll taken of all the guys in my phone book, this is possibly one of the most doltish things to do in the prescence of a girl you had previously dated.  “Dude, tell this guy to go date his mom or something… (John)”

Now, to demonstrate the Newbert’s astounding creativity, they are going out for hot chocolate.  Hm.  That sounds familiar.  Didn’t he and Jordan do that on their date?  And didn’t Newbert and I do that on OUR date?  Oh, Newbert, you slay me.

Dating roommates.  Seinfeld says it can’t be done gracefully.  The girls of Manzanita C-6 are here to prove him right.

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Intentions?: Missed signals

Alright, so I admit it.  I have failed to post new blogs about the “experiment.”  and in the time between the first blog and this one, many things have come in to light, and it has ceased to be an experiment in intentions, but rather an experiment in the extent of my own idiosyncrasis and obliviousness to what the heck is going on.

In essence Jordan is no longer a key factor in this “experiment” but rather my sounding board for ideas on what IS really going on.  The only problem is, both of us are completely clueless in the field of “body language.”  And thus, this post shall be dedicated to the various items in the body language bag of tricks that will henceforth and forever boggle me and thus doom me to being single forever.

Most of these items occur while watching movies — which mostly have involved zombies and memory loss, thus to avoid those gosh darned face-sucking scenes (although, there was plenty of blood-sucking going on in the zombie movie.  But that’s just awesome).  And so we begin.

Item 1: seating arrangements.

Newbert has recently taken to sitting “dangerously close” during these frequent movies.  As in, shoulder to shoulder.  Being very cold everwhere in Cedar City, even inside buildings, I do not object, but rather sit in beffudlement as to this sudden breach of the one-foot barrier that most testosterone-bearing beings have hitherto seemed to keep from me.  It happened for all three movies we watched this past weekend (Yes, one every day.  Noone else wanted to do anything.  Don’t judge me!).  I recall a scene when I came to watch Arrested Development with Jordan and Newbert.  I arrived late, and thus there was little room on the couch and I had to sit on a separate sofa from Jordan and Newbert, between which was a very pleasant and friendly two-feet of space between.  When I arrived, Newbert moved farther from Jordan and closer to the edge of the sofa closest to the chair in which I was sitting.  But, no invitation to sit on the same couch.  During date 3 (Sidewalk chalking and hot chocolate at The Grind), there WAS, however, and invitation to sit on the same couch as we sipped our hot chocolate (a loveseat couch, nonetheless), with a claim that it was, in fact, a better couch than the regular three-cushion sofa I had at first taken to to enjoy my hot chocolate.  And then, suddenly, the most recent destruction of the couch barrier.

Anyway, it just causes me to wonder — how often does Newbert find occasion to do that?  Because he seems rather nonchalant about it all, whilst I sit rather awkwardly and stiffly.  I also have to wonder if any of this is registering in his brain.

Item 2: The dead fish arm

This, I hear, is a rather common hand-holding tactic, used by thousands of  assertive-less adolescents everywhere.  It consists, basically, of one of the couch-sitting members leaving their hand awkwardly on the couch at their side, closest to the other couch-sitter, in hopes that possibly the other couch member will grasp it and a “moment” will ensue.  I believe I have encountered this type of placement at other types of social events, but have never reciprocated well, because I, as you well know, am completely oblivious.  The question must be asked — is that actually an innocent arm-placement left there for no other reason than comfort, or is the placement a strategic way to create another level of couch-sitting-movie-watching?  I’m assuming I’ll never know.

Item 3: HIS head plus MY shoulder

This one I actually found rather… Hm… Odd.  I feel it as a bit of a role-reversal, if I’m correct.  As I see it in the movies, the FEMALE is supposed to innocently put HER head on the male’s shoulder, indicating “OMG I am SOO comfortable.  Lurvs.” But in this case, he apparently decided to take the initiative.  And I found the whole thing so hilariously ironic that I literally laughed out loud.  I have no idea how he took that, but it seemed to have to lasting effects, because he did it again, and just kind of stayed there while I flipped through the channels after the movie and came to rest on something on the food channel.  He stayed there for rather a long time.  It was all just… odd.  And so, my beffuddlement continues.

And so, there are the three main items that I wished to cover.  There are plenty more, but I just recieved an invitation for a walk from Newbert himself, as both of us have been cooped up in our rooms all day.

Maybe more later, we’ll see… 😉

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Intentions?: The beginning

You know, intentions are often lost in translation.  Especially to us estrogen-bearing beings in regards to those of the testosterone-bearing variety.

For example, and I only give one example for now for it is currently almost one in the morning because I was… well, we’ll get to that.  This guy — Let us call him… Newbert — recently asked my roommate out on a date because she was complaing about not having gone on any dates for a pitifully extended amount of time.  And then he kind of … Latched on.  Texting all the time, coming over to hang out a lot.  Really nice guy.  Lots of fun.  Then recently me and Jordan were discussing my complete lack of tallies on our date tally chart we have going  (Jordan — 3; Me — 0) while he just happened to be around, and he suddenly just says “I’ll add a tally,” and basically just asks ME out.  Now, this throws ALL of us for a loop (he is completely oblivious to our confusion, for he is a bearer of the blinding light of testosterone), for none of us were expecting it.  But we hide it well.  We all do a very good job at covering up how awkward the situation has become.

So, Jordan and I have a discussion — shall I take him up? We decide, yes.  It may be a fun experiment to see if Newbert is REALLY thinking he can date roommies.

Day one: Saturday, Oct. 06, 2007, 1:00 PM

Newbert texts Jordan, asking her if Amanda (that would be me) is around.  She laughs and tells her, then tells him that she will give her his phone number.  Amanda texts him and tells him that Jordan told her to text him.  He promptly asks her if she wants to go get breadsticks at Little Caesar’s.  Jordan and Amanda decide that it would be a wonderful installment in our little experiment.  So, Amanda replies sure and they later leave.  They walk to Little Caesar’s and order the breadsticks.  Conversation at a nearby table ensues, and Amanda decides to lean forward on the table, indicating interest in the conversation.  Newbert responds in time and leans forward as well, and continues to lean forward onto table even as Amanda leans back in her chair.  Conversation continues until breadsticks are served and into the breadsticks.  Amanda spills the beans about her Pokemon fetish in her younger years — He gets a few good laughs out of it.  In fact, he gets a few good laughs out of a lot of things.  A few of Amanda’s friends arrive and interrupt the conversation, and Newbert looks very awkward.  Amanda quickly ends the conversation with her friends and continues former conversation.  Breadsticks are completed and they leave the pizza place and walk over the grocery store, for Newbert is in need of some frozen pizzas.  Somehow, they end up in the Hot cocoa isle and they discuss their tastes in hot cocoa.  Newbert buys mint hot cocoa and they exit the store.

They begin walking back towards campus, where Newbert lets Amanda carry the bright orange flag accross the street.  As they continue on their way, there is a moment of physical contact where Newbert decides to “nudge” Amanda off the curb and into the bicycle lane.  A “playful” dirty look is given by Amanda, Newbert is slightly apologetic and offers a hand over the gutter that a small child could drown in. She refuses and jumps accross by herself as a large “Le Bus” drives by aboutf three feet away from Amanda just was, and the accusations fly that Newbert pushed her in front of the bus.  Jordan would later threaten his life over this.  Much laughter ensues and they arrive back at Amanda’s place, talk to Jordan where she threatens his life and he leaves to go the Priesthood session of General Conference.

Later, Newbert begins to text Amanda while he is still in the meeting.  He asks “so what are you up to?”  She tells him she is on a geeky website.  He sends her to his own website and she promptly calls it geeky.  A few emoticons ensue, and he hints at something that he will tell her later.  Date two is already in the works for the same day.

He later texts her, telling her when he will be over agian, “I’m gonna change and head over if thats ok”  She replies a hesitant, “okay” and he arrives ten minutes later.  Jordan leaves to a concert and the two are left alone* in the apartment.  Much hot-chocolating and conversation ensues and continues for the rest of the evening until about 11:00, at which time they commence in watching videos of Bill Nye and Chad Vader on Youtube until 12:30, at which time, both decided that it was late and he should go back to his place before the crazy people come out and the chance of him getting mugged on his way back increases by 30%. 

Heading towards the door ensues, but Newbert leans against the wall and continues in conversation.  This indicates a reluctance to leave.  Five minutes pass in conversation until he eventually leaves.  Date two over.  Intentions — as yet unclear.  We know there are many possible intentions he may posess, but the fact that he is dating both Amanda and Jordan is rather… Disconcerting?

Next episode — Sunday texting?  Maybe. We’ll see…

This blog and the blogs hereafter about our little “experiment” is intended to be read along with Jordan’s companion blog at

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