Streak-free Murder

11:30 at night in Syracuse, Utah, and I’ve just finished doing my nails and decide that I need some chapstick before I go to bed.  My bedroom is in the basement and I had left my purse upstairs, so I exit my room, glancing momentarily at the foot of the door across from me, my younger brother’s room, to make sure his light isn’t on and that he has gone to bed.  What I found was a terrifying monster of a spider (really only the size of  a quarter, but it was really scary at 11:30 at night) with fangs half the length of its legs, ready to creep into his room and kill my beloved younger brother!

I stood there and fretted for a few moments, trying to hear if either of my brothers were awake (there are three of us with doors right next to each other) but I could clearly hear my older brother snoozing away in his room — or rather, snoring [sorry Scott, even though the Breathright strips stop the snoring, you’re still a really loud sleeper], and I couldn’t hear gunshots from my younger brother’s room, which is a sure sign that he’s asleep because what else would he do in there besides play video games?  Anyway, I was fretting, making all sorts of squeamish “ooh’s” and “aah’s” but to no avail, the spider remained and even took a few motions in my general direction.

So, I leapt past the spider to the bathroom to see if I could find anything of use.  Toilet paper, cups, cologne… Nothing useful.  Of course, for anyone with courage, the toilet paper would have been enough, but I prefer a much less involved strategy.  So I cautiously exited the bathroom, made sure the spider was still there, and bounded up the stairs in search of something better.

I quickly opened up the cleaning supplies cupboard (after getting my chapstick, of course) to find nothing but furniture polish, clorox wipes, and… Windex.  Windex… According to many theologies, Windex can be used for just about anything, from washing windows to getting rid of zits… So why not killing monster spiders?  I grabbed the windex and made my way slowly downstairs, holding the Windex bottle in front of me protectively, searching the stairs and floor in front of me for the monster spider, which had plenty of time to make it to the stairs, I’m sure, and had possibly already ransacked my bedroom.  There!  By the unattended vacuum hose! (the vacuum had already been put away upstairs, otherwise this would have been done ages ago with the vacuum, but much too noisy)  The spider seemed to be seeking shelter from the light I had turned on in the hall, seeking refuge in the darkness of the vacuum hose attachment.  Little did the spider know it would soon be void of refuge, burning in house-spider HELL (with a streak -free shine).

I bounded up to the creature, aiming my weapon carefully, and BLAM!  I sprayed it right where it counts.  The spider tried to get away, bounding across to the other side of the circle created by the hose.  I leapt to the other side and continued spraying the thing, even as it attempted to climb over the hose — this was the creature’s last and most deadly mistake, as this gave me the angle I needed to send it falling on its back with one swift spray, unable to right itself before it was drowned in a torrent of streak-free bubbles.

So there the spider lay.  As each round of bubbles disapated, it was quickly replaced by more, for fear the the monster would revive and leap into my face with its fangs of death.  I squatted there in the hallway for what seemed like hours, with eyes only for the dying spider.  Once I was (mostly) positive that it was entirely immobilized, I put a cup over it (just in case) with a large, heavy combination lock on top, just in case the spider would have been able to lift a measly paper cup.

The dead spider prison is still there, and I really have no idea when someone will have the courage to lift the cup to make sure it’s dead.  I suppose we can give it a few more days.  Just to be sure.

Woodlouse Spider -- This is the spider I found in my basement.  Creepy little thing.  Click image for more on the Woodlouse spider.

Woodlouse Spider -- This is the spider I found in my basement. Creepy little thing. Click image for more on the Woodlouse spider.

Where it lies for the time being.  The note is to my brothers, informing them of my late-night heroism.

Where it lies for the time being. The note is to my brothers, informing them of my late-night heroism.

4 Responses so far »

  1. 1

    wonker said,

    Interesting blog, I’ll try and spread the word.

  2. 2

    Jordan said,

    This was hilarious! You and Lindsay are both such sissies when it comes to killing spiders. Why is that?

  3. 4

    amber said,

    I have just been through the same horrifying ordeal as you just about and hour and a half ago!! Same creature, just a little bit of a different method of extermination, I used some blue pine sol and he drowned! Now, he is sitting in a old pickle jar on my desk!! ( I was trying to figure out what the heck kind of spider he was) I sure would’nt want my kids to run into these guys!!! Keep on being brave !!! 🙂

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