Archive for March, 2009

Streak-free Murder

11:30 at night in Syracuse, Utah, and I’ve just finished doing my nails and decide that I need some chapstick before I go to bed.  My bedroom is in the basement and I had left my purse upstairs, so I exit my room, glancing momentarily at the foot of the door across from me, my younger brother’s room, to make sure his light isn’t on and that he has gone to bed.  What I found was a terrifying monster of a spider (really only the size of  a quarter, but it was really scary at 11:30 at night) with fangs half the length of its legs, ready to creep into his room and kill my beloved younger brother!

I stood there and fretted for a few moments, trying to hear if either of my brothers were awake (there are three of us with doors right next to each other) but I could clearly hear my older brother snoozing away in his room — or rather, snoring [sorry Scott, even though the Breathright strips stop the snoring, you’re still a really loud sleeper], and I couldn’t hear gunshots from my younger brother’s room, which is a sure sign that he’s asleep because what else would he do in there besides play video games?  Anyway, I was fretting, making all sorts of squeamish “ooh’s” and “aah’s” but to no avail, the spider remained and even took a few motions in my general direction.

So, I leapt past the spider to the bathroom to see if I could find anything of use.  Toilet paper, cups, cologne… Nothing useful.  Of course, for anyone with courage, the toilet paper would have been enough, but I prefer a much less involved strategy.  So I cautiously exited the bathroom, made sure the spider was still there, and bounded up the stairs in search of something better.

I quickly opened up the cleaning supplies cupboard (after getting my chapstick, of course) to find nothing but furniture polish, clorox wipes, and… Windex.  Windex… According to many theologies, Windex can be used for just about anything, from washing windows to getting rid of zits… So why not killing monster spiders?  I grabbed the windex and made my way slowly downstairs, holding the Windex bottle in front of me protectively, searching the stairs and floor in front of me for the monster spider, which had plenty of time to make it to the stairs, I’m sure, and had possibly already ransacked my bedroom.  There!  By the unattended vacuum hose! (the vacuum had already been put away upstairs, otherwise this would have been done ages ago with the vacuum, but much too noisy)  The spider seemed to be seeking shelter from the light I had turned on in the hall, seeking refuge in the darkness of the vacuum hose attachment.  Little did the spider know it would soon be void of refuge, burning in house-spider HELL (with a streak -free shine).

I bounded up to the creature, aiming my weapon carefully, and BLAM!  I sprayed it right where it counts.  The spider tried to get away, bounding across to the other side of the circle created by the hose.  I leapt to the other side and continued spraying the thing, even as it attempted to climb over the hose — this was the creature’s last and most deadly mistake, as this gave me the angle I needed to send it falling on its back with one swift spray, unable to right itself before it was drowned in a torrent of streak-free bubbles.

So there the spider lay.  As each round of bubbles disapated, it was quickly replaced by more, for fear the the monster would revive and leap into my face with its fangs of death.  I squatted there in the hallway for what seemed like hours, with eyes only for the dying spider.  Once I was (mostly) positive that it was entirely immobilized, I put a cup over it (just in case) with a large, heavy combination lock on top, just in case the spider would have been able to lift a measly paper cup.

The dead spider prison is still there, and I really have no idea when someone will have the courage to lift the cup to make sure it’s dead.  I suppose we can give it a few more days.  Just to be sure.

Woodlouse Spider -- This is the spider I found in my basement.  Creepy little thing.  Click image for more on the Woodlouse spider.

Woodlouse Spider -- This is the spider I found in my basement. Creepy little thing. Click image for more on the Woodlouse spider.

Where it lies for the time being.  The note is to my brothers, informing them of my late-night heroism.

Where it lies for the time being. The note is to my brothers, informing them of my late-night heroism.

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5,000 views as of today!  Yay!

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The Semi-annual stuff-your-face fest

It’s that time again — When you’re counting down the days until the next school break, you brain having shut off the Monday before the actual break began.  You teachers are complaining that the break isn’t until NEXT week, but you’re still shutting down and halfway packed by Wednesday.  The current upcoming break is none other than spring break, but this also applies to all breaks of at least a week in duration.

Now, as you go about packing and getting ready to leave, you realize that you have a lot of food in your apartment that you will be leaving behind and has the potential to go bad while you are away to cause your entire apartment to reek for days and days.  So as for myself and my roommates, we do what is called the “semi-annual stuff-your-face fest” (so dubbed by me as I was writing this).  Usually, it’s all of us trying to eat our leftovers, finish up our milk and juice, etc. etc.  It’s usually not a big problem…

This year, it’s all up to me.  Both of my roommates have left early and left me not only with the remaning dishes to put away and trash to take out, I am left with half a gallon of milk, a small tub of mini-muffins (which I’m working on as I write this), my roommate’s leftover tuna helper (which she tried to eat last night, but just couldn’t bring herself to do it), 3/4 a loaf of bread, a package of shredded cheese, three bananas, an apple, and a can of spaghetti sauce.

So, what am I to do?  Stuff my face, of course!  I can’t just waste all that food!  Except the tuna helper, i think I’ll skip that.  Sorry Jordan!  I know there are starving children in China…

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Dear Facefriend (12?)

Dearest Facebook friend,

I just wanted to let you know that I found your house on Google maps! I didn’t know you had a pool! Is that your parent’s car in the driveway? It might not have been, some of the satellite pictures are a little old, and they’ve only lived there a few years. Oh, and I found the Arby’s that you work at! And your old elementary school! That was a really small building, but I suppose in such a small area…

Speaking of which, I joined the group created for your elementary school, even though I didn’t go to your elementary school. I just wanted to see who you associated with in your formative years, and it’s fun to see you talking with some of your old pals again!

But hey, back to google maps — Did you know that you can do a street view, where it’s like you’re actually driving down the street? Yeah! It’s totally cool! They hadn’t driven down your street directly, but there’s one view where I can kind of see your house, I’m guessing.

But anyway, sorry I’ve lost touch a bit — I HAVE been a little put out by the fact that YOU haven’t logged on in a while.

Your BFF,


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