Archive for July, 2007

“Please God, Give Me a Brain Aneurism…”

There is nothing more painful than being forced to listen to song you already hate be severely injured and debilitated while simultaneously given depressants and “numb my emotions” pills, and putting this all in slow-motion and three times as awkward to watch as a Jr. High dance.

I recently (Like, today) saw a city production of the play “Footloose.”  It’s almost a decent play, with some almost decent music, and a VERY almost ALMOST decent plot, and it was none of those.  I was in the production a few years back, and it was almost a decent show (I mean, it was a HIGH SCHOOL production.  I think we did pretty darn good.  Or something.)  and I learned to dislike the show then.  I really have no idea why I wanted to come see this one.  I had a few friends in it, I guess that’s why I went.  And they were pretty good.  But anyway, allow me to express my feelings towards one song in particular that involves “paradise” and another “almost.”

There is, in this certain play, a certain song, which exceeds everything “cheesy” and… Well, disgustingly “romantic.”  From this, we can deduct that I am lacking in the “romanticism” department, but whatever, this isn’t about me.  So thus, I hate the song because it really does suck.  A lot.  The name of this song?  Well, it’s almost debilitating, almost too popular, almost excruciating, and is none other than the song “Almost Paradise,” and listening to these people do it almost killed me.

They begin the song, standing there, up on the stage, looking perfectly awkward with each other.  The female voice was good.  She seemed to have an affinity for holding every ending note out.  A long time.  Then the kid who played Ren came in and for some reason, he sounds breathless and tired.  And then — Oh heck — comes the chorus.  Ren reaches for that “PARE” but… ALMOST reaches it.  I think the kid is 22, but I think his voice is still changing.  And then, the fun part — the interlude.  Where the theme changes and it suddenly get all emotional and “Oh I LOVE you!”  Sorta thing.  Yeah.  That sucked, too.

Ooohhh, there are no words to describe this… I’m ending this here. 

“Almost Paradise?”  Almost KILLED me…

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Killing Bugs

You know, there’s something about weird bugs in your house that really brings out the worst, ugliest, and most violent parts in people.

Case study #1: Imagine a serene late evening at the grandparents’ house.  You’ve made a nice little bed for yourself on the couch and you are staying up late to play on your new laptop.  You glance down and all of a sudden you see…

A GIANT (medium-sized) MAN-(bug)-EATING SPIDER CRAWLING TOWARDS YOU AT HALF (1/1,000,000) OF MACH FIVE!!

Now, this slightly alarms you, because spiders really ARE creepy, especially when their movement slightly reminds you of the spastic movement of the girl coming out of the TV in “The Ring.”

So now, you have two choices: kill it or let it crawl up onto the couch with you and you keep it safe and warm and well-supplied with human blood? 

Case study #2: After a long night of IMing your friend about his latest crazy-girl-after-him issue, you finally decide to lay down and go to bed.  You get all up there and situated, doing some light reading before putting your head down on the pillow, and again glance down at the floor and see…

A GIANT (small) THOUSAND (fifteen) LEGGED MONSTER (millipede) SPEEDING AWAY FROM UNDER YOUR BED AT BREAKNECK (mild-paced) SPEED!!!!

Again, this is slightly alarming, because this thing has the butt of an earwig and an insane amount of body parts, plus it’s a creepy rusty-red color that just screams INFECTION.

And again, you are presented with the option of either A: killing it, or B: letting it live a happy life in your bedroom, no doubt creating an entire army of icky millepedes that will attack you one night while you sleep and ruin your life forever.

Case study #3:  You have actually decided to clean your room after who, knows how long.  You are happilly going about your business, listening to music and singing along, because you know that nobody else is home.  You lift up a book, shake it out, and suddenly…

A GIANT (this was actually pretty big) EAR-INFECTING EARWIG FALLS OUT OF THE BOOK AND STARTS RAMBLING AWAY AT JACK-RABBIT (millipede) SPEED!!!!

One more time, two options: kill it or let it lead a quiet, peaceful life in harmony with the ecosystem in your ear.

So, three case studies.  Time for the true outcomes of these fateful events.

Case study #1 and #2: Both concluded with the classic “shoe-grab-and-smash-smash-smash-smash-SMASH that bug into oblivion!!!!!!” and pic up with a large handful of tissue and throw in the garbage or toilet, respectively.  The firsts hit usually only stuns them, and they make another attempt at running, but you, being the mighty human you are, hit them again, after which they again try to make a feeble and cripples escape, as their exoskeletons are getting severely damaged, and you hit them again, and they begin to curl up and accept defeat, but they ARE still wiggling, and AGONIZINGLY PLEADING for you to let them live free and happy, they’ll die eventually in this crippled state, PLEASE don’t make me die so young, but again, you hit them, and they make a few more feeble leg-wiggles and stop moving at all, and then you hit them one more time, just to make sure that they’re REALLY dead.  Then, of course, comes the handful of tissues (you never know if they’re REALLY dead — they could still bite you through only a few tissues), and a nice trip to the garbage can or toilet, and the whole ordeal end with a satisfying slam of the garbage can lid or flush of the toilet (respectively.)

Case study #3:  This one is not for the faint of heart.  It does not include the classic shoe-grab-and-smash-smash-etc. because as many of you may already know, those earwigs are nearly impossible to kill that way.  No, this one only includes the tissue and the toilet.  But the interesting part is the toilet.  You only use a few peices of tissue, which the earwig quickly escapes from on entering the toilet.  It frantically begins to swim around, begging for you to let it out before it meets an untimely death by drowning-in-toilet-water, searching for a side to climb up.  It does a few frantic circles, and looks quite frightened at the realization that, no, it is not going to get any help.  Finally, it finds the wall of the toilet and, relieved, begins to climb up the wall, but before it can even get its two-pronged pincer-tail out of the water, it is flushed by YOU with a malicious, satisfied laugh, and you watch it spiral down towards the vortex of doom.

It’s all over.  You’re safe.

But keep an eye out.  It’s a jungle out there — survival of the fittest, and YOU are the TOP of the food chain.

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